So we are a quarter of the way through 2015, and I thought I would write an update on what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been doing this past three months. Luckily things have been much more settled after last year, and so far, touch wood, 2015 has been a better year despite the fact I had yet another miscarriage.
I started off the year doing Mel Scott’s “Holding On To Hope” course, which was a week’s worth of activities designed to get you into a positive frame of mind to move forward into the New Year. But I was tired, so very tired, and I didn’t know if I would be able to pick myself up. I don’t like January at the best of times as everything is so drab and quiet after the New Year celebrations. The Christmas decorations come down and the nights are long, dark and cold. So I decided to make the most of this by sleeping and resting as much as possible.
Then along came February and yet another positive pregnancy test. I dared, just dared to hope that this would be the one, although I couldn’t get too excited about it. Just 10 days later, on Friday the 13th of all days, I lost the baby yet again. At this point I went into such a deep depression I never thought I would get out of it. I went back to see my fertility specialist Mr Watts, and he referred me to Coventry & Warwickshire Hospital so I could attend the recurrent miscarriage clinic there run by Professor Jan Brosens and Professor Siobhan Quenby. It was there that Professor Jan Brosens diagnosed me with hyper fertility, and it was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head! Finally I had an answer as to why I kept miscarrying and more than that it was treatable, which was a huge relief.
This diagnosis freed me in more ways than I ever thought possible. Rather than focus on trying to be a Mum so hard, I could leave the “Actively Trying” and “TTC” clubs and just let nature take its course. Age isn’t a factor for me, I still have plenty of time and I can take my foot off the gas a bit, relax and enjoy the process. More than that, my diagnosis means that giving up all and sundry won’t make the blindest bit of difference for me, so if I want a bit of chocolate, or a glass of wine, or a coffee, I can have it as long as I don’t go overboard. I was so rigid before, not doing this, not doing that, and there was no need at all. It was a liberating feeling.
March was “Project DIY” month, where we started upstairs in our house and painted all the rooms, had new carpets fitted and had a general huge clear out of all our unnecessary stuff. We did a few tip runs and this helped us feel lighter and freer than we had in a long time. We needed to break off the shackles of the past and let go of a lot of things, forgive a lot of things and look after ourselves, and we did that in spades.
On top of all the death and loss we had to endure, we were working really hard on “Frankie’s Legacy” and the fundraising we were doing. My husband and I had no time for each other, we were snappy and irritable all the time, and life was just work, work, work and absolutely nothing else. This last 3 months we have done very little work, apart from the DIY work. It was the best thing we could have ever done, and did us the world of good. It meant that things like the support groups 1-2-1 meetings I was offering had to go on hold, but I realised that unless I had a serious rest and came to terms with everything myself, I would never be in a position to help others.
Right now, despite going to bereavement counselling, I’m not “there” yet and I still can’t face certain things. I can’t face the funeral of the lady I knew who passed away from cancer, which is happening this afternoon, for example. I just can’t be there for others as much as I used to be, as I still have to heal and regroup. I think I’m doing really well so far, although I recognise and realise that I have a long way to go still. But as the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
I am looking forward to the spring and summer this year, and doing more things with my husband. I’ve clawed back as much time as I possibly can, especially as my Mum and Dad haven’t been very well recently, and I want to spend more time with them. Plus I may need the time in case they need some help. Therefore some things like the merger with Towards Tomorrow Together and helping with The Butterfly Awards are on hold for a little bit longer. I am trying not to feel guilty about it, but my priority has to be to me and my family right now.
Another area I am looking seriously at is my work and career. I put so much on hold to be a Mum when I was having Frankie, and it has been really hard to accept leaving that path and being thrust back onto my old one. I haven’t coped well with it at all, and I’ve had lots of what should I do moments, and should I/shouldn’t I moments, but I’ve decided to let all that go and go back to doing what I’m good at. I’ve learnt some very valuable lessons along the way, and I’ve got a little bit of my old spark back. I am going to work hard to keep it there.
I want to do more writing. I want to finish my books, and keep writing this blog regularly. I feel so much better since I’ve gone back to it properly, and it is helping me to make sense of everything that has happened in the last two years.
I promised Frankie I would live my life to the full, and I am going to do it – whatever it takes.