So this week I have finally started to write about everything that happened, and I will post it in a series of entries on here, hopefully before Christmas Day. And the process has been very therapeutic indeed, and has helped me come to terms with it all just that little bit more.
Every day is still a huge struggle. I go into his room every day and look at the cot and furniture, and think that he should have been in there when he was born in January, and that life is so very unfair sometimes. I look at myself and I miss my bump, and I look like I was never pregnant. Physically I snapped back very quickly, but emotionally I’m still not there yet. I can’t get through a day without shedding at least a few tears for Frankie (some days more than others) and still think “why us”. My memory is awful, I have to keep a notepad and pen with me at all times because if I don’t write down things when I think of them I forget them completely and they don’t get done. Before all this I had a photographic memory and could keep my to do list in my head. It isn’t just me, my husband is the same with remembering things at the moment – we don’t make a good one between us.
I worry about my husband and my parents, and how they are coping with it all. My Mum and my husband are both back at work, but my husband has been working at home. My Dad on the other hand is retired and has been round every day checking on me, sometimes twice a day, and has helped with taking our dog for a walk, getting us bits of shopping that we need and taking me for my check ups at the doctors and to the hospital to see Rev’d David Southall. I’m trying to keep talking to my husband, but I know he was worried that he thought I was a bit quieter this week. The irony is that I was probably a bit quieter as I was worried I wouldn’t be able to write about all this, which I desperately needed to do.
As much as I don’t want Christmas to be on the horizon this year, I’m going to try and make the best of it for Frankie’s sake – I know he wouldn’t want me to mope around. On January 3rd my husband and I are going to Lanzarote for a week to get out of the UK, be completely on our own and be somewhere warmer. I don’t think we’ll get back to normal fully for a long time though – if we ever do.
So I’ll post each entry documenting all this, starting on November 25th, with the title of the entry and the date or dates to which it covers. Expect to see a few of them before Christmas Day!
Love and light to all who read this,
Lisa – Frankie’s Mummy xxx
