Today is Frankie’s due date. This should have been a time of excitement and hope. Of me wondering if every little twinge was the start of labour and whether he was finally on his way. I should still be heavily pregnant, feeling fat and unwieldy waddling along wondering if my legs will support my massive bump. Or he might already be here, and I should be in a routine of him feeding, being changed and sleeping.
Instead I’m left heartbroken and bereft. We have an empty cot in his room, drawers full of clothes that he’ll never wear and an empty car seat. It still doesn’t seem real, I keep willing myself to wake up from the nightmare I’ve been in since last November, but nothing ever happens. I am wide awake in a living hell with no way out.
My husband and I think about our son all the time. We think about what should have been and how much we wanted Frankie, about all the times and milestones that we’ll miss in his life – his first words, his first day at school, getting married and having his own children. It is just so sad to think he’ll never experience any of that. We got so close to being proper parents, and it feels so unfair that the chance to be a proper Mum and Dad was taken away from us so quickly and abruptly.
However much the tears flow for Frankie we know that he wouldn’t want us to mope. That’s why Frankie’s Legacy as a charity now exists, for him and in his memory. I don’t want losing him to be in vain and I want him to achieve something, no matter how small. I have some big ambitions for Frankie’s Legacy, the first one being to raise £5000 by the end of August 2014 so we can register with the charity commission as a registered charity. I am planning a launch event for the charity in early April. I’m also planning a calendar of other fundraising and sponsored events throughout this year. More information and our charitable aims can be found on www.frankieslegacy.org.uk.
At lunchtime me and Frankie’s Grandad lit another candle for him in Worcester Cathedral. I hope he’s in heaven at peace with all his angel friends.
We miss you so much Frankie. Why did you have to leave us?