stream_imgToday I awoke to the news that the majority of us in the UK have all been waiting for, that the Duchess of Cambridge had gone into labour.  When Prince George was born I was just over 3 months pregnant with Frankie, and marvelled and how amazing she looked when she left the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London carrying him in her arms and showing off her post partum body in a beautiful blue polka dot dress.  I smiled inside knowing that that would be me in a few months time.  Oh how wrong I was about that.

So today here we are again, the Duchess was again admitted to the Lindo wing of St Mary’s Hospital, but just a few short hours after she was admitted the announcement came that she had given birth to a girl, weighing a healthy 8lb 3oz, at 8.34am this morning.

But this time I just didn’t feel the same about when she gave birth to Prince George.  I posted links on my Facebook page when I saw the news that she had gone into labour (more because of the irony and humour of the headline as here in the UK we are in election mode of the BBC posting the story with the headline “Duchess of Cambridge in early stages of labour”), then again a couple of hours later when it was announced that she had given birth to a girl with the caption of “It’s A Girl”.  But those two posts were done on auto pilot, and mainly to share them with my friends and family abroad who may not have heard the news.

But the truth about how I felt on hearing the news?

I hated it.

I am SO jealous of her.  It will be two years on May 14th since those 2 blue lines appeared for the first time when I found out I was pregnant with Frankie, and yet in that time the Duchess of Cambridge has gone on to have not one gorgeous healthy baby, but two, when I haven’t even been able to produce one.  It is so unfair, and I feel so jealous of her it is untrue.  It is horrible to admit this, but that’s how I feel.

I hate feeling like this, and I hate not being able to be fully 110% happy whenever I hear of the birth of a baby.  Some of you may remember this post back in January where I talked openly about my feelings towards my first cousin who is 12 years younger than me and yet she has become a mother first out of the two of us.  I wish I could say that it is getting easier whenever I hear someone announcing their pregnancy or the birth of a baby.  But the truth is, it isn’t getting any easier.  I’m just getting better at hiding my feelings and pretending that I’m overjoyed and happy when in reality, I’m not.  I’m as jealous as hell.

It isn’t just the Duchess of Cambridge, I know a lot of women who had babies who were born sleeping, but all of them have gone on to have their rainbow babies already.  Even yesterday I noticed a post from a lady I met not long after I lost Frankie who was told that the IVF baby she had who was born sleeping was her last ever chance at ever being a mother, and that it wouldn’t happen for her.  And guess what? Yesterday she gave birth to a baby girl, she got pregnant naturally and did it all on her own.  When I saw that post on Facebook I felt jealous, angry and upset all in one go, and it was horrible.

jealousyBut why isn’t it me?  Here I am sat knowing that this month is another failed month as I am spotting which indicates that Aunty Flo is on her way and will be making a full appearance any time now.  I’ve stopped being so regimented about trying to get pregnant, I’ve stopped being so rigid, I’ve tried to relax about it like they say, but it STILL isn’t working.  When it does work, as it has done four times since Frankie was born sleeping, it doesn’t last very long and my dreams are shattered every time.  I know it is due to having hyper fertility, and I know that it is easier for me to come to terms with knowing that I have a condition that is causing it that I can do NOTHING about, but why me?

Why is everyone else around me getting pregnant, having healthy pregnancies and then giving birth to healthy babies?  Why am I getting left behind?  I am getting older and older and my chance of being a mother with every month that passes is becoming further and further out of reach.  I must have done some terrible, terrible things in either a past life or this life, so I can only think that I deserve this and it is justice for whatever I’ve done.

So today, as many of you are celebrating the birth of the new Royal Princess, please spare a thought for empty armed mothers like me who have to grit our teeth and grin and bear it whenever we hear news like this or that someone we know is pregnant or has given birth.  My thoughts also go to footballer Rio Ferdinand, who lost his beloved wife today as she succumbed to cancer.

I know that after my last posts this one might come as a bit of a shock to some of you.  But just because I’ve been trying to be positive, it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, that things don’t bother me anymore and that I don’t feel jealousy when I hear the news of a pregnancy or birth. I do.  I have good days and bad days.

Life can be wonderful, but it can also be very, very god-damn cruel.