Dear Frankie,
Today is your 7th heavenly birthday, and I know you are getting well and truly spoilt up there. I’m sure your Great Aunty Maria will have organised a big party for you with lots of jelly, ice cream and cake, your Great Uncle Vincenzo will be playing his piano accordion and your Grandad Allan will be regaling you with stories about when he was a mechanic and telling you all about how car engines work. Your cousin Tony will be telling you all about the time he fought the big fire at Woolworths in Worcester in the late 1970s, your cousin Brenda will be telling you about all the car boot sales she went to with your Nanny Linda, your Great-Great Aunty Gert will be talking about her days during the war and your cousin Maxine will be the life and soul of the party as always. I know you will be playing endless games of fetch with Curley, because let’s face it, every boy should have a puppy of his own.
I am so sorry that me, your Daddy, your Nanny and Grandad can’t be there to celebrate with you. But for the first time since I lost you, I am glad you are in heaven and not on earth. You are in a much better place, a much safer place and hopefully it is a much kinder and happier place. As much as I want you with me Frankie, and I do….I don’t want you to have the life you would have had if you were with me and your Daddy right now.
While there are some nice people still left in the world, they are becoming few and far between. I see so much nastiness and hatred towards others in the world especially on social media. Much of this nastiness is aimed at people who are normal and who don’t have anything wrong with them, so I dread to think what kind of things you would have had to deal with and the bullying you would have had to endure because of your differences. Had you lived you would have had a severe cleft lip and palate for which you would have had to have many surgeries and operations to correct. You would have been autistic, just like me. All of it would have been because of your Chromosome 15 Duplication, which is incredibly rare and only a handful of people in the world have problems with their chromosome 15.
I’ve been through so much bullying in my lifetime, and I wouldn’t have wanted you to endure even a TINY fraction of the bullying I had to endure. I am glad you are not here to be bullied and to know what it feels like when everyone is saying the meanest, cruellest, and very untrue things about you. There is so much hatred in the world today and it makes me very sad indeed. I don’t know why people can’t be nice to each other and support each other, instead they feel that they must tear others down. It is not right, and it is not fair.
I don’t know if I would have been able to keep you safe during the coronavirus pandemic. I don’t know if you would have understood why you suddenly can’t see your friends, why you can’t hug them, why you can’t be within 2 metres of them and why you can’t play with them. It would have been no childhood for you at all. This last year has changed me in ways that I never imagined, hopefully those changes are for the best, but the world has also changed in so many ways and not for the best. I fear where the human race is going, and I don’t think there is going to be a good outcome for humanity.
I don’t want to be on earth right now Frankie, I would much rather be with you. But someone up there has decided that it is not yet time for me to be with you. While I wait for that moment to come, I must live my life as best I can and make the most of it. I’m trying to do just that Frankie with my work and career. Instead of keeping you safe on earth, I’m channelling my energies into keeping people safe online and raising awareness of staying safe online through my work in cyber security. I know that people don’t deserve this generally as they are often so nasty, but there are still a few good ones in the world and I don’t want to see them get scammed online and lose everything because of something like a phishing email that they accidentally click on or a ransomware attack. I want to be the best I can be at what I do, and I now place all my energies into that. I hope that you are proud of me and I hope that when you are looking down at earth from up there, you see me and you think, “that’s my Mommy.” I think of you every day Frankie, there is not a day that goes by that you are not in my thoughts.
My good friend in cyber security Lisa Forte asked me the other day how on earth I cope. I cope because there is no other choice BUT to cope. There is no point in my moping and feeling like I am a victim. I am NOT a victim, I am a survivor. Every day I wake up, get up and choose to survive and thrive. I share what happened to me in the hope that if it reaches just ONE other person and helps them to not feel alone, it will be worth it. I don’t want anyone to have to endure and go through what I have. But I’ve somehow reached the other side, and although my life does not have you in it with me, it is still a good life. It is a life I will live to the full every day because of you.
So enjoy your seventh birthday up in heaven Frankie. I know you are safe up there surrounded with love from your Great Aunty Maria, your Great Uncle Vincenzo, your Grandad Allan, your cousins Tony, Maxine and Brenda, your Great-Great Aunty Gert and your puppy Curley. I know you are far safer up there than you are down here on earth.
Every year on your birthday I pick out a song for you. Last year I chose Abba’s “My Love, My Life” from the film Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again. This year I dedicate the song “From Now On” by Hugh Jackman from the film The Greatest Showman to you. I chose it because the lyrics sum up exactly where I am in life now, because when I stop and see you here, I remember who all this was for. Everything I do now, all my work in cyber security, all my awards, all my achievements…they are all for you, to hopefully make you proud of me.
With all my love now and forever,
Your Mommy xxxxxxxxx
From now on…..
I saw the sun begin to dim
And felt that winter wind
Blow cold…..
A woman learns who is there for her
When the glitter fades and the walls won’t hold
‘Cause from now on
What remains
Can only be what’s true
If all was lost
There’s more I gained
‘Cause it led me back
To you
From now on
These eyes will not be blinded by the lights
From now on
What’s waited ’til tomorrow starts tonight
Tonight
Let this promise in me start
Like an anthem in my heart
From now on
From now on
I drank champagne with kings and queens
The politicians praised my name
But those are someone else’s dreams
The pitfalls of the woman I became
For years and years
I chased their cheers
At a crazy speed of always needing more
But when I stop
And see you here
I remember who all this was for
And from now on
These eyes will not be blinded by the lights
From now on
What’s waited ’til tomorrow starts tonight
It starts tonight
And let this promise in me start
Like an anthem in my heart
From now on
From now on
From now on
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home (Yes)
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
From now on
These eyes will not be blinded by the lights!
From now on!
What’s waited ’til tomorrow starts tonight!
It starts tonight!
Let these promise in me start
Like an anthem in my heart
From now on
From now on
From now on
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
